Medieval Matrix
by Want a bro
Summary: A Ripoff of the Matrix
1. Chapter 1

Medieval Matrix

Want A Bro

Note: This is my first matrix fic, R&R!

_Neo, Morpheus, Trinity, and Apogg (he's still alive) are fighting Smith and Twins, Cypher, and grunts. AU._

Neo ducked as Smith took a swing at him, and did a backwards flip, kicking him in the head. Apogg was whaling on some grunts with a mace (I don't know how he got it), Morpheus was fighting Cypher, and Trinity was fighting the Twins. Suddenly a wormhole opened up and sucked them all up into the world of Saw.

"What the hell?" said Neo.

"Don't bad word in front of Twin 2. It makes him cry," said Twin 1, while Twin 2 wept. "There, there," he said, patting his shoulder.

"Oooooooooooookay," said Neo, checking his surroundings.

There was broken plumage and baths of water in a dirty tile-floored room with flickering lights. Suddenly a voice came out of an intercom.

"Hello, freedom fighters and enemies," it said in a menacing voice. "You're here to play a set of games. If you win, you get to live. But there are thousands of other prizes! Including free ringtones, sports gear, and sponsored merchandise. I hope you like the Peanuts characters!" said a voice.

"Tony the Tiger?" asked Morpheus.

"No I'm that clown thing from the Saw movies."

"Is this the Matrix?" asked Morpheus.

"No," it said.

"Crap," said Smith, Neo, and the Twins.

"It's an alternate dimension where I control everything that happens to you. You have to survive the past."

"Without our Matrix powers? But I don't actually know kung fu! I just strongly believe I know kung fu so I can fight in an alternate dimension…dude I just realized how sad that is." said Neo.

"Haha! I can still fight! I have a gun." Said Apogg.

"Actually that was another thing some artificial intelligence (that you created, by the way, and kicked your ass) made you believe." Said Saw Thing.

"Dude, I just realized how sad _that_ is!" said Neo.

"Yeah, how exactly did they beat us if _we_ made them?" said Morpheus.

"Yeah, that's what aliens with the secret of peace and happiness too mankind said too before you humans ate them all ten thousand years ago," said Saw Thing.

"What!" said everyone in the room except for Morpheus who burped.

"Is that how the Ice Age happened?" asked Morpheus, trying to cover himself up.

"One of them…" said Saw Thing.

"Anyway, you're gonna have to work as a team to stay alive." Said Saw Thing.

"Good! 'Cause me and Cypher are friends!" said Neo, wrapping his arms around the traitor.

"Okay! Just 'cause I gave you lighter fluid for a drink and you thought it was booze doesn't mean we're friends! But I will be if you start smoking…with lighter fluid,"

"Look, guys, I think we need to think about our plan-

"Trinity?"

"Yeah?"

"Did anyone ask you to talk?"

"No,"

"Then shut up."

"Whoa, Neo, I thought you two like each other," said Apogg.

"We kind of have this Eminem/newest wife relationship."

"Oh,"

Okay screw this!" said Saw Thing. "You're going in the past!"


	2. The Gang Screws Up China

The Gang Screws Up China

Note: Thanks to reviewers, please check out antipax's story Avalanche

_The gang had just been transported back in time via plot device and my amazing imagination. They are in China when the mongolians are attacking the Great Wall. And this is very funny because I'm watching the part of The Day After Tommorow where the hail rains down on some asians. Wait, it just ended. Now some wife and husband are fighting over a straight-a student getting an f in calculus. I know that's retarded, but it's from the library._

Neo hit the ground at about three hundred and 3.56743838439251858 miles per hour, did the solutions in my head, like the kid from DAT. Everyone else, however, landed on a herd of sheep which broke their fall and the sheep's leg and necks. But luckily no one in the matrix is a vegetarian, at least not the way i write it.

Trinity was crawling off of a killed sheep when Neo landed two feet away from her, which, calculating the angle of the impact and the velocity of Neo's fall, minus the strength of a sheep's backbone, divide by windspeed, aaaaaaaaaaaaaand, the pain of Trinity...a lot.

"Ow," said Trinity.

"How the hell are you still alive" asked Neo.

Suddenly Twin 2 started crying.

"Wait, why are you here?" asked Neo. "You're not part of the gang! You're a bad guy!"

"All I ever wanted was love! Wahahhahahahahhah!"

That's when they realized that they were in the middle of a battle between a lot of asian guys. There was a really frickin big wall in the middle. And somehow the mongolians had enlisted the help of the sheep to ram the wall but most of them had been killed by the impact of Neo's fall.

"Wait, Trinity, how are you sill alive" said Neo.

**Cause Trinity is the only woman in the movie who is hot and...she's hot.**

"Who said that?" asked Morpheus.

**Me.**

"Oh. How the kids doin?"

**I wish.**

"Wait, i know who you are!" said Neo. "You're that guy from Lost named Arzt who gets blown up by dynamite. You're still alive!"

**No...Just No.**

"Then who are you?"

**God. At least, the god of your pathetic little story lives.**

"So, you're the author?" said Neo.

**You could think of it that way. Or you could think of it as, if make me angry, i can kill you.**

"Oh,"

**Look, i just came to explain why Trinity didn't die, so, uh...bye.**

"But what about the rest of us?" asked Morpheus.

**Fine, you're immortal too.**

"Yay!" said everyone except Trinity.

"Bye, Storywriterperson!" said Neo.

"Wait, where'd he go?" asked Twin 2.

"Not school. He doesn't have that until tommorow, unlike All Saints (_damn straight antipax, tuffshort, and timititus_), so he must have gone to take over Canada," said Neo.

"Yeah, that's what i'd do," said Morpheus.

"So, where are we?" asked Trinity to no one in particular.

"I think we're in China during the battle of the Mongolians and Chinese on the Great Wall," said Trinity.

"What makes you say that?" asked Neo.

"That's the great Wall, and everyone here is Asian."

"So. That's what it looks like at Win Wok," said Neo.

"What the hell is Win Wok?" said trinity, causing Twin 2 to cry.

"It's some chinese resturaunt storywriterperson has only seen once. I don't know how I know that."

**Of course you don't.**

"So, what're we supposed to do?" asked Twin 2.

"Yeah, what side are we on?" asked Apoc. "Hey! I got a line!"

"Hey what about me?" asked Switch.

"You just got one." said Apoc.

"I think we shouldpick teams," said Switch.

"And i think that's why you're an expendable character who dies in the first movie," said Trinity.

"Bitch!" said Switch.

Twin 2, who had just recovered from Trinity bad wording, started tor cry again.

"Okay that's it! Neo and Morpheus and me are on the Mongolian side!" said Trinity.

"Fine! Me, Apoc, and Twin 2 are on the Chinese side!" said Switch.

"To war!" said Neo.

Meanwhile, Cypher, Smith, and Twin 1 landed in the Lost City of China, crashing through the roof of an opium house. Luckily, the Chinese were too high to realize a bunch of white men had just landed in their drug house. They proceeded to give the white men drugs and they all became high.

In the battle, Neo had taken a sword from a dead Mongolian and started stabbing the Great Wall. Trinity had taken the surviving sheep and taught the Mongolians to use them to ram the wall, which included breaking their necks and using their bones as chisels to hack away at the wall and use their somach acid to burn through it. I know is not possible, just roll with me. Morpheus was trying unsuccesfully to ride a sheep.

Apoc had broken a nail and left the battle. Switch was throwing anything she could find at Trinity form the wall, including unsucpecting Chinese men. Twin 2 was in a feedle position sucking his thumb.

It went on like this for a while, Neo would break a sword, then kill a guy and steal his and go back at stabbing the wall, which, after three hours, made a six inch dent. Then he discovered he could pry it open with the hilt of the sword, and actually started doing some damage. Twin 2 never came out of his feedle position, and Switch didn't run out of things to throw at Trinity until the battle was over, So Trinity never stopped dodging them. Apoc never found nail clippersso he never came back to the battle, and Morpheus never managed top ride the sheep.

When the smoke cleared, only the gang and the sheep Morpheus was trying to ride were standing, along with a couple Mongolians.

Note: I had to use wordpad so some stuff is spelled wrong.


End file.
